I'm a little behind...

I have not updated in awhile, sorry. Tis the season for loads of schoolwork and lots of illness. All three of us have been sick over the past month and I am just praying for a healthy Christmas. I love getting ready for Christmas and while Luke has no idea what is going on I am just head over heels in love with Christmas.

I'll have a Christmas update later once I get around to uploading pictures but for now I'll let you know about all the exciting things Luke has been doing.

It is amazing how much he is growing. He finally learned how to crawl forward!!! And now he is pulling himself up on things, amazingly he has not gone after the tree yet, but that might have something to do with the toy box

b

locking it off. Luke just recently started waving hi and bye, though it is a little delayed but the fine motor skills are there! His favorite thing in the world is the bath, he crawls into the bathroom now once Jeopardy ends, I don't even need to start the bath! It makes me laugh so much how he loves the tub!

Luke's first Thanksgiving was a ball! Everyone just loved seeing him and he loved the turkey! He is still not sure about mashed potatoes but that's okay I'm sure he will one day! Here is our family picture from Thanksgiving w

hich may end up as our Christmas card if I can't get our scanner working.

It takes me awhile but I get things eventually...

I am learning that even though I am miserable I can still be thankful. This revelation occurred to me this morning after I finally broke down crawling on my knees to God. It is a funny thing to realize, that I might not be happy for awhile, but I am learning to accept that and TRUST that in the end things will be good. I am going through this for a reason. Now I will admit that it is VERY hard to believe this sometimes but I think just the small glimmer of hope I have will get me through. Best of all though is I have now accepted that when I don't think I can get through I am probably right, but I KNOW that God can get me through.

Pumpkin Picking

Yesterday Luke, Danny, and I went pumpkin picking. This was a start to our first family tradition and was so special for us. It was the first time we went on a family activity just the three of us. It made me all the more excited for when we can finally start our life as a family. I hope that I have a patience to wait and to trust God that sooner than later he will make it possible.

Fall Foliage

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved;

loved for ourselves--say rather,

loved in spite of ourselves"

Les Miserables

Fall is here and with it a new beginning.

Fall has always been my favorite season. Maybe its my birthday starting it off, maybe it is the cooler weather, maybe it is the warm colors, or maybe it is the warm embrace of friends when school begins that made me fall in love with fall. Regardless of the why it is always a season that renews me, my hopes and my spirits.

The change in season could not have happened at a better time. I was feeling really really down, it had gotten to the point that I thought I might have post pardon depression. But a few cool days and some extra layers of clothes and I started to feel better. Yes there are still things I wish were different and yes I still long to be married and have our own house and the ability to do things as we would do them but an air of appreciation has set in.

Mackenzie

On saturday night I attended a Tenth Avenue North concert with my little sister Mackenzie who is eleven years old. During the song Hallelujah she reached up and took my hand. In the moment I felt tears in my eyes and I felt forgiveness and loved.

I love my sister so much and I am so thankful to have this moment with her.

"At first I am afraid but not because of fear

But the Holy of Holies is drawing me near
Your voice like thunder shakes the ground I'm on

So hide my face in the shadow of Your wings, oh Lord
Hide my sin from the beauty here before Your throne
Your throne

Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain
Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain
And so we enter in to see Your face, yeah
We enter in to see Your face, oh God

Well I'm falling to my knees. I feel the earth beneath
With the weight of my sin, and this crushing unbelief
Could You really love me with all that I've done, oh Lord

You spread Your hands
And made a refuge for the weak and blessed
The weary, bruised, and broken
Took our sin. Inside Your wounds we hide away
Inside Your wounds we hide"

Over the last two days I keep hearing different people say things to the extent of "if you feel God calling you do something just do it and let him worry about the details." My heart is so torn. I know it is God's desire for Danny and I to get married because it would enable us to be better parents to Luke. For me though part of marriage is establishing a household. A few people have told us to get married and just live in different houses, I don't believe this would really change anything. Other people have suggested getting married and staying with our parents still. I don't think my mom would be comfortable with this or myself for that matter. Which leaves the option of moving out and starting our own home. This would be the best possible thing for us right now. However in my rational mind I know it is next near impossible. Danny does not have a full time job, UPS would not provide enough money for rent and all the other necessities, and I stress necessities, I know we won't be living it up. I am looking into getting a part-time job just to have some cash flow but even still it would not cover living. The other part of me keeps hearing God say in subtle ways, "just do it and trust me." The truth is I wish I could. It is not that I don't trust God it is just a matter of how much I can. I'm sure people would think we were crazy moving out without full time jobs. We would loose benefits and so many earthly things, but isn't it worth it? I know marriage is best for Luke and for Danny and I's relationship. I am so torn. Please pray for clarity for me and if you have any advice I would love to here it, maybe it can shed a light on what / where we should go next.

Our adventure as a family is officially beginning!

The next chapter in my life has started: Wedding Planning.

Though not much planning can be done yet seeing as we are waiting (and praying) for Danny to get a full time job. Now I can spend my time dreaming of wedding fantasies rather then drilling into my text books like I should be doing. I wish that we had the money to just move out now, if we did I would totally skip the big wedding and just start our lives together. But for now I might as well dream....

Update + list of firsts

It has been awhile since I updated (sorry). Things have been going well for us this past month or so. Lots of exciting things have happened and lots of not very exciting ordinary everyday things have happened which are equally great!

Luke is growing so fast I can't believe it! He has learned to roll to his side from his back, spin himself if a circle to get toys (on his back or his stomach), started reaching out to grab things / people, and most recently has gotten his first two teeth! Besides physical development Luke was also dedicated at ORB a few wks ago. This was such an amazing day for us as a family and meant so much to know what we have such a loving and caring community around us! That same day my aunt very kindly let us use her house for a BBQ and this was a day of firsts! The first time Danny and my families met, the first fondant cake I ever ate (not the biggest fan but it was beautiful Caiti), and the first time Luke went swimming!

I can not believe that Luke will be five months this month, it is amazing how much my life has changed (for the better!) There have been many other firsts for

Luke some include, his first time in a box, his first trip to the park, his first ear of corn, his first night time without mommy, his first date and his first costume!

Danny is home :)
He had such a wonderful trip! I am so glad that he got the chance to go, it was really hard but totally worth it. I'll put a few of his pictures up one day.
There have been some hard things going on but all of them have seemed to have melted since I saw Danny step out of that plane. I know in a few days everything will be back to normal but for now I am going to enjoy this bliss.

A beautiful day

Today I was so blessed with a really good day.
This morning I had a long shower and when I came out Luke was smiling up from his chair at me and I made me feel so so loved. Then Luke and I headed to my weekly small group, I look forward to this time every week. When it came to my time to share I decided to just be honest about things I have been struggling with but debating how valid they are and if I should really burden others with them. I am so glad I opened up. It was hard to do because I am always worried about my feelings being undermined but they listened, told me my feelings were valid, and helped me with out to be proactive to changing the things that were bothering me. This made me feel so loved.
After small group some of the girls and I stayed to watch Nate for Michelle. We went outside and I got to roll around in the dirt with Nate which was so much fun and made me look forward to Luke being older and exploring the world. I kept picturing Luke walking around and laughing with me. I can not wait for that. It was also really nice to get to spend time with the girls.
I came home feeling really good and just wanting to do something so my friend Lisa came over and we just talked, laughed, and spent time with Luke together. Then we made a nice dinner for my mom (I am never making mashed potatoes again my arms feel like jello).
Today felt so productive and I got to spend time with people I love and feel completely comfortable with. I know that this will kept me going while Danny is away.

Africa

Danny has been in Africa for three days now and I am already loosing my head. It is so hard not to have him here with me and not to be able talk to him. He got to call yesterday just for a minute and I was glad to hear from him and know that he is doing well and doing God's work. It was the best one minute phone call I have ever received. It seems hard to believe we used to have our whole relationship over the phone while I was at school. But still I am still so thankful to have gotten to talk to him and that he has this chance to become the man, (future) husband, and father God intends him to be.
I can't tell if Luke misses Danny or not but I can tell he senses something is wrong with me. I have been trying not to be sad with him and to just enjoy this time I have with him but it's hard. Sometimes he looks at me like Danny does or laughs like him and I sigh because I miss him. But Luke is doing great and growing and learning which is so fun to see.
The more he smiles, the more he laughs, the more he plays, the more I can't get enough of him and the more I am looking forward toward seeing his life and everything he will do.
Even though there are still really hard days and still things I could wish for I am trying to just focus on all the little blessings rather then focus on all the big things that are missing.

Mackenzie Elizabeth Gossard

Today my little sister Mackenzie turns 11.

Mackenzie,
I am so proud of the person you are becoming.
I am so happy that you are my sister.
I can not wait to watch you grow up into the person that God is making you into.
I can not wait to see you as an Aunt to Luke.
I Love you,
Becca

Date night!

Tuesday night Danny and I went on our first date night since Luke was born (three months yesterday!) We went to see 'UP' which was really great because I love Disney movies and then went to a Thai place across the street. It was so nice to get to spend time with just Danny. We hardly get to spend time just the two of us and Luke because my mom is always home at night and when we go to his house we hang out with his parents because they don't get to see Luke a lot. Our date really made me feel like a girlfriend again and not just a Mom. It gave us a chance to laugh together, talk about our concerns over Africa and our dreams for the future. Our relationship is growing so much between meeting with Christian, being parents, and focusing on God.

As I mentioned before Luke was three months yesterday. These last few months have been really hard and really fantastic at the same time. A year ago I was planning out my years and never would have put myself here but now I can't imagine my life without Luke. I am so blessed to have him, Danny, and a great support system.


My boys <3

Optimism and Africa

"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing,
is the hand over your whole self
--all your wishes and precautions--to Christ."
--Mere Christianity – CS Lewis

I am trying so hard to trust God that he will supply a way out of my mom's house for Luke, Danny, and I. When this will be and how it will come to be still remain a mystery but I am truly optimistic that it will happen sooner then later. As for now I am searching for a bigger apt for my mom and I. I think if I have my own room and a place to retreat to that is all my own I will feel more at home and at peace, my goal is to find a place and be moved by summer's end. By that time Luke will be six months and hopefully Danny will have a full time job.

In other news Danny leaves for Africa for two weeks in less then two weeks! I am so excited for him but it is going to be so hard. I am going to miss him so much! I know that God is going to use this experience to make him an even better dad though and that makes me rest a little easier. These happen to be the two weeks I have no classes for the summer which will make the loneliness I feel now even stronger because Danny won't be here. But I am making plans and trying to fill my time with as many people and outings as I can!

Down, Up, and Down again.

Two weeks ago I was feeling the lowest I had since Luke was born. I was feeling really lonely, unloved and unlovable. I had begun to see myself as nothing more then a provider for Luke, not even a mom, just a provider. I was very discouraged and felt really alone even as great as Danny is I just was not in the state of mind to really hear what he was saying to try to help me out. Then I went to a park and just spent time with God, something I had not really done since Luke was born, it was fantastic. I read Genesis 1 and was reminded that I was God's creation. I finally felt defined again, even though I still don't know who I am I do know that I am God's. From then until now things were going uphill. Danny and I were doing really well, meeting with Christian was going great and then last night we got to give our testimony at Danny's church, New Monmouth Baptist. That was a really terrific experience to use our sin to glorify God. I felt really renewed and was so excited I hardly slept last night. And then today came. I went to social services to see about TANF, low income housing, and food stamps. All of which were a no go. TANF you only get till you have a job but while you are on it you need to be involved in an activity for 35 hr a week, not counting school. This doesn't make any sense to me but that's the way it is and right now I don't want a job - if I did I would have one. Low income housing seems impossible to call, call, call until their list is open then wait, wait, wait until something is avaible. And since I am living with my mom I can't get food stamps until I am 22 which doesn't make any sense and which isn't for a year and a half. I feel completely discouraged. All I want is to get married, move out and be the best parents we can for Luke. Maybe I want to much?

Finding the middle ground

I am trying to balance being a young adult and a new mom. It's a hard place to find yourself. And I honestly feel like I have lost myself. Sometimes I don't even feel like a mom because I am living a home, without Danny, and have no concrete connections with others moms. Having Luke has certainly shown me who in life will be there for me. I am blessed with really great friends and with the opportunity to meet with other moms. It's hard though because no one really understands exactly what it feels like to be in-between. All I can do is pray that Danny and I will be able to move out sooner then later and really start our family the way God intended it. For now though I will just try to focus on the blessings in my life, the largest of which is Luke.

Three A.M. feeding and I look down at my baby overwhelmed with the feeling that this is what I'm supposed to be doing with the rest of my life.

The last two months have been quite an adventure. Late nights and early mornings, growth spurts and midnight feedings. Walks and first trips to the park. Rolling over and bouncing off your legs. Luke's done it all and more. Every moment is such a gift. I feel so undeserving of it all. God has truly blessed Danny and I with not only a great baby boy but also with lots of love and support. We can't not thank each person who has been there for us through this all.
Sunday was mothers day and I could not have asked for a better first mothers day. We really celebrated for the whole weekend. Friday we went to a mother daughter dinner at Danny's church, Saturday my sisters and stepmom can up to visit, Sunday dinner with my mom and Danny's family. Not to mention the gifts that Danny (and Luke) got me. Flowers and a CD, to arrive sometime this week, and a beautiful letter from Danny. This message in a bottle reminded me just how much I love him and how much I long to start our life together.
I can not wait for more adventures, challenges, laughs, and oh those baby smiles!

And the adventure begins....