Friday, June 12, 2009
Down, Up, and Down again.
Two weeks ago I was feeling the lowest I had since Luke was born. I was feeling really lonely, unloved and unlovable. I had begun to see myself as nothing more then a provider for Luke, not even a mom, just a provider. I was very discouraged and felt really alone even as great as Danny is I just was not in the state of mind to really hear what he was saying to try to help me out. Then I went to a park and just spent time with God, something I had not really done since Luke was born, it was fantastic. I read Genesis 1 and was reminded that I was God's creation. I finally felt defined again, even though I still don't know who I am I do know that I am God's. From then until now things were going uphill. Danny and I were doing really well, meeting with Christian was going great and then last night we got to give our testimony at Danny's church, New Monmouth Baptist. That was a really terrific experience to use our sin to glorify God. I felt really renewed and was so excited I hardly slept last night. And then today came. I went to social services to see about TANF, low income housing, and food stamps. All of which were a no go. TANF you only get till you have a job but while you are on it you need to be involved in an activity for 35 hr a week, not counting school. This doesn't make any sense to me but that's the way it is and right now I don't want a job - if I did I would have one. Low income housing seems impossible to call, call, call until their list is open then wait, wait, wait until something is avaible. And since I am living with my mom I can't get food stamps until I am 22 which doesn't make any sense and which isn't for a year and a half. I feel completely discouraged. All I want is to get married, move out and be the best parents we can for Luke. Maybe I want to much?
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i am sorry you are feeling discouraged rebecca. speaking from experience, it is a rough and lonely ride. it's not a fun feeling and it's not fair. finding yourself is very hard and takes a long time to truly be happy and at peace. you are very lucky and blessed and on the right track taking time to be with God and know that you are His child ultimately. rely heavily on your faith at this time because He is the one that will truly get you through this. and do know that there are brighter days to come.
ReplyDeleteas for the other stuff, again speaking from experience...relax and pray. it will all come in time, and on God's time. you can't have it all at once unfortunately. as young parents, we just don't get the luxury that other parents around us have. we don't get the house that they saved for years for because they were out of college, had a career for a few years and stocked away money before becoming parents. we are taking a different road, more difficult in it's own way, but at the end of the day it is SO rewarding. i feel a million times more blessed and appreciative of the life chris and i built for ourselves, no one else but us because we did it. and we were very blessed to have the love and support of our family.
as for low income housing, it really is worth pursuing it. good things come to those who wait, and in nj and this housing market nothing gets handed over. having the controlled income housing has seriously been one of the best things to ever happen to us. we didn't move in until cj was one, but definitely was worth the wait. it has helped us to save money over the years, helped us to get on our feet without a huge struggle, and put a roof over our head that we could call our own.
as for the food stamp thing...it's because you are considered a dependent of your mom, so everything is reflected on her in retrospect. 22 is the magic age when you can no longer use your parents for health insurance even (b/c most people are graduated college), so i think that is the general age when you get declared independent, just to help explain that better.
hold in there chica!! you are being a great mom, and that is very important right now. make sure to make more time for you and God in the park. i will be praying for you and you know i am here if you ever need to talk or just vent. God bless
you do not want to much. you want what every girl wants. and that's just fine. it's just not always as easy to achieve as it seemed when we were little.
ReplyDeleteyou have always been a strong person, Becca, and I believe you can do whatever you want to if you really try. I know times are hard. they are really, really hard. But you can do it. You always find a way to do the things you want to.
You're the only person I've ever known to have a baby at 20 and still continue to go to college. That says so much about you.
Don't give up. Don't be discouraged.
Luke, Danny, Barbara, me, and all of your other friends... we all love you. We see you as so much more than just a provider for Luke that it's crazy to even think such a thing. Without you I'd probably be some crazy whore lying drunk in a ditch somewhere. lol well that's an exaggeration but you know what I mean. You keep my head straight. You keep me sane. You make me realize that life can be awesome just the way it is, no alcohol or anything involved. That's what's so great about you.
The world needs more people like you.
I just want you to know that I love you very, very much, and I will help you out and be at your side in any way I possibly can so that you can achieve all that you want to. Because I know you'd do the same for me.
Cheer up, baby. Like I always tell Luke: Don't cry, life is good. =]