Mackenzie

On saturday night I attended a Tenth Avenue North concert with my little sister Mackenzie who is eleven years old. During the song Hallelujah she reached up and took my hand. In the moment I felt tears in my eyes and I felt forgiveness and loved.

I love my sister so much and I am so thankful to have this moment with her.

"At first I am afraid but not because of fear

But the Holy of Holies is drawing me near
Your voice like thunder shakes the ground I'm on

So hide my face in the shadow of Your wings, oh Lord
Hide my sin from the beauty here before Your throne
Your throne

Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain
Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain
And so we enter in to see Your face, yeah
We enter in to see Your face, oh God

Well I'm falling to my knees. I feel the earth beneath
With the weight of my sin, and this crushing unbelief
Could You really love me with all that I've done, oh Lord

You spread Your hands
And made a refuge for the weak and blessed
The weary, bruised, and broken
Took our sin. Inside Your wounds we hide away
Inside Your wounds we hide"

Over the last two days I keep hearing different people say things to the extent of "if you feel God calling you do something just do it and let him worry about the details." My heart is so torn. I know it is God's desire for Danny and I to get married because it would enable us to be better parents to Luke. For me though part of marriage is establishing a household. A few people have told us to get married and just live in different houses, I don't believe this would really change anything. Other people have suggested getting married and staying with our parents still. I don't think my mom would be comfortable with this or myself for that matter. Which leaves the option of moving out and starting our own home. This would be the best possible thing for us right now. However in my rational mind I know it is next near impossible. Danny does not have a full time job, UPS would not provide enough money for rent and all the other necessities, and I stress necessities, I know we won't be living it up. I am looking into getting a part-time job just to have some cash flow but even still it would not cover living. The other part of me keeps hearing God say in subtle ways, "just do it and trust me." The truth is I wish I could. It is not that I don't trust God it is just a matter of how much I can. I'm sure people would think we were crazy moving out without full time jobs. We would loose benefits and so many earthly things, but isn't it worth it? I know marriage is best for Luke and for Danny and I's relationship. I am so torn. Please pray for clarity for me and if you have any advice I would love to here it, maybe it can shed a light on what / where we should go next.

Our adventure as a family is officially beginning!

The next chapter in my life has started: Wedding Planning.

Though not much planning can be done yet seeing as we are waiting (and praying) for Danny to get a full time job. Now I can spend my time dreaming of wedding fantasies rather then drilling into my text books like I should be doing. I wish that we had the money to just move out now, if we did I would totally skip the big wedding and just start our lives together. But for now I might as well dream....

Update + list of firsts

It has been awhile since I updated (sorry). Things have been going well for us this past month or so. Lots of exciting things have happened and lots of not very exciting ordinary everyday things have happened which are equally great!

Luke is growing so fast I can't believe it! He has learned to roll to his side from his back, spin himself if a circle to get toys (on his back or his stomach), started reaching out to grab things / people, and most recently has gotten his first two teeth! Besides physical development Luke was also dedicated at ORB a few wks ago. This was such an amazing day for us as a family and meant so much to know what we have such a loving and caring community around us! That same day my aunt very kindly let us use her house for a BBQ and this was a day of firsts! The first time Danny and my families met, the first fondant cake I ever ate (not the biggest fan but it was beautiful Caiti), and the first time Luke went swimming!

I can not believe that Luke will be five months this month, it is amazing how much my life has changed (for the better!) There have been many other firsts for

Luke some include, his first time in a box, his first trip to the park, his first ear of corn, his first night time without mommy, his first date and his first costume!

Danny is home :)
He had such a wonderful trip! I am so glad that he got the chance to go, it was really hard but totally worth it. I'll put a few of his pictures up one day.
There have been some hard things going on but all of them have seemed to have melted since I saw Danny step out of that plane. I know in a few days everything will be back to normal but for now I am going to enjoy this bliss.

A beautiful day

Today I was so blessed with a really good day.
This morning I had a long shower and when I came out Luke was smiling up from his chair at me and I made me feel so so loved. Then Luke and I headed to my weekly small group, I look forward to this time every week. When it came to my time to share I decided to just be honest about things I have been struggling with but debating how valid they are and if I should really burden others with them. I am so glad I opened up. It was hard to do because I am always worried about my feelings being undermined but they listened, told me my feelings were valid, and helped me with out to be proactive to changing the things that were bothering me. This made me feel so loved.
After small group some of the girls and I stayed to watch Nate for Michelle. We went outside and I got to roll around in the dirt with Nate which was so much fun and made me look forward to Luke being older and exploring the world. I kept picturing Luke walking around and laughing with me. I can not wait for that. It was also really nice to get to spend time with the girls.
I came home feeling really good and just wanting to do something so my friend Lisa came over and we just talked, laughed, and spent time with Luke together. Then we made a nice dinner for my mom (I am never making mashed potatoes again my arms feel like jello).
Today felt so productive and I got to spend time with people I love and feel completely comfortable with. I know that this will kept me going while Danny is away.

Africa

Danny has been in Africa for three days now and I am already loosing my head. It is so hard not to have him here with me and not to be able talk to him. He got to call yesterday just for a minute and I was glad to hear from him and know that he is doing well and doing God's work. It was the best one minute phone call I have ever received. It seems hard to believe we used to have our whole relationship over the phone while I was at school. But still I am still so thankful to have gotten to talk to him and that he has this chance to become the man, (future) husband, and father God intends him to be.
I can't tell if Luke misses Danny or not but I can tell he senses something is wrong with me. I have been trying not to be sad with him and to just enjoy this time I have with him but it's hard. Sometimes he looks at me like Danny does or laughs like him and I sigh because I miss him. But Luke is doing great and growing and learning which is so fun to see.
The more he smiles, the more he laughs, the more he plays, the more I can't get enough of him and the more I am looking forward toward seeing his life and everything he will do.
Even though there are still really hard days and still things I could wish for I am trying to just focus on all the little blessings rather then focus on all the big things that are missing.