It takes me awhile but I get things eventually...

I am learning that even though I am miserable I can still be thankful. This revelation occurred to me this morning after I finally broke down crawling on my knees to God. It is a funny thing to realize, that I might not be happy for awhile, but I am learning to accept that and TRUST that in the end things will be good. I am going through this for a reason. Now I will admit that it is VERY hard to believe this sometimes but I think just the small glimmer of hope I have will get me through. Best of all though is I have now accepted that when I don't think I can get through I am probably right, but I KNOW that God can get me through.

Pumpkin Picking

Yesterday Luke, Danny, and I went pumpkin picking. This was a start to our first family tradition and was so special for us. It was the first time we went on a family activity just the three of us. It made me all the more excited for when we can finally start our life as a family. I hope that I have a patience to wait and to trust God that sooner than later he will make it possible.

Fall Foliage

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved;

loved for ourselves--say rather,

loved in spite of ourselves"

Les Miserables

Fall is here and with it a new beginning.

Fall has always been my favorite season. Maybe its my birthday starting it off, maybe it is the cooler weather, maybe it is the warm colors, or maybe it is the warm embrace of friends when school begins that made me fall in love with fall. Regardless of the why it is always a season that renews me, my hopes and my spirits.

The change in season could not have happened at a better time. I was feeling really really down, it had gotten to the point that I thought I might have post pardon depression. But a few cool days and some extra layers of clothes and I started to feel better. Yes there are still things I wish were different and yes I still long to be married and have our own house and the ability to do things as we would do them but an air of appreciation has set in.

Mackenzie

On saturday night I attended a Tenth Avenue North concert with my little sister Mackenzie who is eleven years old. During the song Hallelujah she reached up and took my hand. In the moment I felt tears in my eyes and I felt forgiveness and loved.

I love my sister so much and I am so thankful to have this moment with her.

"At first I am afraid but not because of fear

But the Holy of Holies is drawing me near
Your voice like thunder shakes the ground I'm on

So hide my face in the shadow of Your wings, oh Lord
Hide my sin from the beauty here before Your throne
Your throne

Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain
Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain
And so we enter in to see Your face, yeah
We enter in to see Your face, oh God

Well I'm falling to my knees. I feel the earth beneath
With the weight of my sin, and this crushing unbelief
Could You really love me with all that I've done, oh Lord

You spread Your hands
And made a refuge for the weak and blessed
The weary, bruised, and broken
Took our sin. Inside Your wounds we hide away
Inside Your wounds we hide"

Over the last two days I keep hearing different people say things to the extent of "if you feel God calling you do something just do it and let him worry about the details." My heart is so torn. I know it is God's desire for Danny and I to get married because it would enable us to be better parents to Luke. For me though part of marriage is establishing a household. A few people have told us to get married and just live in different houses, I don't believe this would really change anything. Other people have suggested getting married and staying with our parents still. I don't think my mom would be comfortable with this or myself for that matter. Which leaves the option of moving out and starting our own home. This would be the best possible thing for us right now. However in my rational mind I know it is next near impossible. Danny does not have a full time job, UPS would not provide enough money for rent and all the other necessities, and I stress necessities, I know we won't be living it up. I am looking into getting a part-time job just to have some cash flow but even still it would not cover living. The other part of me keeps hearing God say in subtle ways, "just do it and trust me." The truth is I wish I could. It is not that I don't trust God it is just a matter of how much I can. I'm sure people would think we were crazy moving out without full time jobs. We would loose benefits and so many earthly things, but isn't it worth it? I know marriage is best for Luke and for Danny and I's relationship. I am so torn. Please pray for clarity for me and if you have any advice I would love to here it, maybe it can shed a light on what / where we should go next.

Our adventure as a family is officially beginning!

The next chapter in my life has started: Wedding Planning.

Though not much planning can be done yet seeing as we are waiting (and praying) for Danny to get a full time job. Now I can spend my time dreaming of wedding fantasies rather then drilling into my text books like I should be doing. I wish that we had the money to just move out now, if we did I would totally skip the big wedding and just start our lives together. But for now I might as well dream....

Update + list of firsts

It has been awhile since I updated (sorry). Things have been going well for us this past month or so. Lots of exciting things have happened and lots of not very exciting ordinary everyday things have happened which are equally great!

Luke is growing so fast I can't believe it! He has learned to roll to his side from his back, spin himself if a circle to get toys (on his back or his stomach), started reaching out to grab things / people, and most recently has gotten his first two teeth! Besides physical development Luke was also dedicated at ORB a few wks ago. This was such an amazing day for us as a family and meant so much to know what we have such a loving and caring community around us! That same day my aunt very kindly let us use her house for a BBQ and this was a day of firsts! The first time Danny and my families met, the first fondant cake I ever ate (not the biggest fan but it was beautiful Caiti), and the first time Luke went swimming!

I can not believe that Luke will be five months this month, it is amazing how much my life has changed (for the better!) There have been many other firsts for

Luke some include, his first time in a box, his first trip to the park, his first ear of corn, his first night time without mommy, his first date and his first costume!