Mackenzie Elizabeth Gossard

Today my little sister Mackenzie turns 11.

Mackenzie,
I am so proud of the person you are becoming.
I am so happy that you are my sister.
I can not wait to watch you grow up into the person that God is making you into.
I can not wait to see you as an Aunt to Luke.
I Love you,
Becca

Date night!

Tuesday night Danny and I went on our first date night since Luke was born (three months yesterday!) We went to see 'UP' which was really great because I love Disney movies and then went to a Thai place across the street. It was so nice to get to spend time with just Danny. We hardly get to spend time just the two of us and Luke because my mom is always home at night and when we go to his house we hang out with his parents because they don't get to see Luke a lot. Our date really made me feel like a girlfriend again and not just a Mom. It gave us a chance to laugh together, talk about our concerns over Africa and our dreams for the future. Our relationship is growing so much between meeting with Christian, being parents, and focusing on God.

As I mentioned before Luke was three months yesterday. These last few months have been really hard and really fantastic at the same time. A year ago I was planning out my years and never would have put myself here but now I can't imagine my life without Luke. I am so blessed to have him, Danny, and a great support system.


My boys <3

Optimism and Africa

"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing,
is the hand over your whole self
--all your wishes and precautions--to Christ."
--Mere Christianity – CS Lewis

I am trying so hard to trust God that he will supply a way out of my mom's house for Luke, Danny, and I. When this will be and how it will come to be still remain a mystery but I am truly optimistic that it will happen sooner then later. As for now I am searching for a bigger apt for my mom and I. I think if I have my own room and a place to retreat to that is all my own I will feel more at home and at peace, my goal is to find a place and be moved by summer's end. By that time Luke will be six months and hopefully Danny will have a full time job.

In other news Danny leaves for Africa for two weeks in less then two weeks! I am so excited for him but it is going to be so hard. I am going to miss him so much! I know that God is going to use this experience to make him an even better dad though and that makes me rest a little easier. These happen to be the two weeks I have no classes for the summer which will make the loneliness I feel now even stronger because Danny won't be here. But I am making plans and trying to fill my time with as many people and outings as I can!

Down, Up, and Down again.

Two weeks ago I was feeling the lowest I had since Luke was born. I was feeling really lonely, unloved and unlovable. I had begun to see myself as nothing more then a provider for Luke, not even a mom, just a provider. I was very discouraged and felt really alone even as great as Danny is I just was not in the state of mind to really hear what he was saying to try to help me out. Then I went to a park and just spent time with God, something I had not really done since Luke was born, it was fantastic. I read Genesis 1 and was reminded that I was God's creation. I finally felt defined again, even though I still don't know who I am I do know that I am God's. From then until now things were going uphill. Danny and I were doing really well, meeting with Christian was going great and then last night we got to give our testimony at Danny's church, New Monmouth Baptist. That was a really terrific experience to use our sin to glorify God. I felt really renewed and was so excited I hardly slept last night. And then today came. I went to social services to see about TANF, low income housing, and food stamps. All of which were a no go. TANF you only get till you have a job but while you are on it you need to be involved in an activity for 35 hr a week, not counting school. This doesn't make any sense to me but that's the way it is and right now I don't want a job - if I did I would have one. Low income housing seems impossible to call, call, call until their list is open then wait, wait, wait until something is avaible. And since I am living with my mom I can't get food stamps until I am 22 which doesn't make any sense and which isn't for a year and a half. I feel completely discouraged. All I want is to get married, move out and be the best parents we can for Luke. Maybe I want to much?

Finding the middle ground

I am trying to balance being a young adult and a new mom. It's a hard place to find yourself. And I honestly feel like I have lost myself. Sometimes I don't even feel like a mom because I am living a home, without Danny, and have no concrete connections with others moms. Having Luke has certainly shown me who in life will be there for me. I am blessed with really great friends and with the opportunity to meet with other moms. It's hard though because no one really understands exactly what it feels like to be in-between. All I can do is pray that Danny and I will be able to move out sooner then later and really start our family the way God intended it. For now though I will just try to focus on the blessings in my life, the largest of which is Luke.

Three A.M. feeding and I look down at my baby overwhelmed with the feeling that this is what I'm supposed to be doing with the rest of my life.

The last two months have been quite an adventure. Late nights and early mornings, growth spurts and midnight feedings. Walks and first trips to the park. Rolling over and bouncing off your legs. Luke's done it all and more. Every moment is such a gift. I feel so undeserving of it all. God has truly blessed Danny and I with not only a great baby boy but also with lots of love and support. We can't not thank each person who has been there for us through this all.
Sunday was mothers day and I could not have asked for a better first mothers day. We really celebrated for the whole weekend. Friday we went to a mother daughter dinner at Danny's church, Saturday my sisters and stepmom can up to visit, Sunday dinner with my mom and Danny's family. Not to mention the gifts that Danny (and Luke) got me. Flowers and a CD, to arrive sometime this week, and a beautiful letter from Danny. This message in a bottle reminded me just how much I love him and how much I long to start our life together.
I can not wait for more adventures, challenges, laughs, and oh those baby smiles!